Shakespeare's Cuthbert

The first book set the scene for the Cuthbert series and this is the link.  http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1.
Shakespeare himself was said to have lived in the valley as a young man and taught at Mandrake Hall where he produced a play which was not very complimentary to Elizabeth the first. Now in the present day there are strangers in the valley looking for this lost masterpiece and the chaos begins...

Bare chest.

Modern women eh? When I hear about a woman looking for a man with a bare chest I assume she's selling a cure for alopecia.

Invisible Village.

Have you heard about the invisible village which forgot to get planning permission for unforseen circumstances?

Ode to Paula

There once was a redhead named Paula,



Who never knew what would befall her,



She would be a good wife,



For the love of her life,



But Patrick came along just to stall her.

Barber College.

I was asked to retrain as a barber but I can't 

harmonise and I don't know three others. 

Then there's all 

that hair cutting.

Turnip Fair.

We live in a small village and we hold a Turnip Fair once a year. Everyone dresses as a turnip and you have to guess what you neighbours have come as.

Abu Bin Adham

Abu Bin Adham (may his tribes increase)
Awoke one night from a sweet dream of peace
He reached to his cupboard but was right out of luck.
Someone had stolen his new Cuthbert book.
 http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00KW47UL6

Training Manual

Excerpt from the Redhead Training Manual

You may find that the appearance of bruises on the neck can change many of your long held opinions.

Monsters?

Ever seen those old maps which state "Here be monsters"? I'm sure I can see my house.

Charge!

Mobile phone..charging
Kindle..charging
Mobility scooter..charging
Light Brigade..charging (Dammit, I've sent them up the wrong valley!).

Wedding Vows.

When I married the redhead the vicar offered 

me a self-defence course but I went for 

camouflage techniques instead. So basically I 

vowed to stay hidden.

The Future's Orange.

According to an informed redheaded source the Chinese will take over the world so mandarin is the way forward, therefore I have made all my book covers orange. She then complained that they looked like Penguin books " But penguins are black and white" I said "And mine are already black and white inside." The redhead glared, "Asiatic" she snapped. "Bless you" I replied. Conversations aren't what they were are they?

Iced Coffee.

Sitting with  the redhead in a cafe when she brought me a cold coffee. "What's wrong?" she asked "I thought you liked iced coffee, you drink it at home. 
I gulped before replying, "Not really dear, I just daren't ask for a top-up."

The Redhead in the Rye?

You will read many references to 'The Redhead' in these posts. Here is the wanted poster.

Eeerie House.

You know those times when an old house creaks around you and you're not sure where the redhead is?
No?..I thought we were all in this together.

Light and Tunnels.

If there really is a light at the end of the tunnel I bet it's the redhead with a torch and a list of jobs.

Custer's Mistake.

You would have thought that the U.S. cavalry would have avoided a battle called 'Custer's last stand' wouldn't you?
Especially against a redhead named Sue Nation.

My Review for Bill Kirton's Sparrow Conundrum.

Writing comedy is not as easy as some may think but Bill Kirton keeps up both the pace and the 

tension with his take on 'disorganised crime.' The confusion caused by coded messages and over-

populated meeting places and everyone having an alias of a bird's name is well done and comes 

nicely to a head as all the characters meet for the grand finale. Well worth a read, 'Spoof crime' 

at its best.

The Great Outdoors

I think I'm becoming an outdoorsman. The sun and wind across my bald spot, the scrape of fresh air in the lungs and the splat of something on my shoulder. Oh all right, the redhead's locked me out again. Happy?

Oprah Interview.

My interview with Oprah went really well.
What? it's my inflatable doll, I can call it whatever I want.

Food? bit of a bookworm me. Chew the way 

through the pages before I tackle the cheesey 

covers and the crunchy spine. Sometimes I 

pick a saucy one for a change. 

To show how trendy I am there will be 

emoticons on my tombstone and 

archaeologists of the future will 

devise whole new university grants dedicated 

to the investigation of this unknown religion 

and its 

strange hieroglylphs referring to a supreme 

being known as R. Edhead.

REDHEAD CAUSING NIGHTMARES

Just checking that we are up and running again. The redhead in her ULTIMATE wisdom decided to create a separate google plus account and yep - you guessed, it went wrong! So - here goes to check if all is ok on here.

The redhead now has her hands tied behind her back! 

Life with the redhead

So, there I am reading quietly when the redhead enters the room, "Where would I find a shoulder bag with a strap long enough to cross my body and leave my hands free?" she asked. Without taking my eyes from my book I replied "The shop at the top of the street darling." I could hear the cranial cogs whirring before I was asked "Which shop at the top of the street?" Pausing for dramatic effect I eventually replied "The Newsagent." Silence filled the room for a while before being broken by "Why on earth would a newsagent have a shoulder bag with a long strap?" I smirked and said "So they can deliver the papers." Then I realised she was blocking the door, ooops! 

Thorstruck Press.

My new publisher is Thorstruck Press. Now, I'm always interested in the origins of a name so I have concluded that it stands for,
The Home Of  Really Super Talent  Under Construction..(whoever put that K on the end did it just to spite me! grrrr).

Simon and Garfunkel revisited.

An engineer was building an overhead bridge when a policeman stopped him and said "You seem troubled Mr Waters."

Schooldays eh?

When I left school they completely redecorated. The watchtowers came down and all the barbed wire was sold for scrap. Even the moat was filled in. I like to think that my example made life just a little easier for those who followed.    

Chapter One.

The crow tilted one wing and rode the thermals diagonally across the valley. He could see it all from up here, scattered houses and a farm nestled in a fold of the earth below him. Whoever had designed the crow had been truly inspired, the way the head stuck out in front gave a panoramic view without the wings obscuring threats or danger. However the colour wasn't perfect, it made formation flying at night an absolute bugger!

Percy the Mechanical Genius

Although Percy was a self-proclaimed gardner (man and boy) he also had an accidental affinity with anything mechanical. As soon as two bits of metal appeared in close proximity he would produce an oily rag, smear grease on his forehead and begin to whistle tunelessly in the time honoured traditions of mechanics everywhere. He was also adept at sucking air through his teeth and pushing his cap back on his head when asked how long the job would take.

Swimming Pools.

A friend asked why there were those irritating 

knobbles on the tiles at the edge of swimming 

pools and complained that they left indents on 

her bum when she sat on the edge. "Why are 

they there?" she wailed. "So that a blind man 

can tell where you've been" I replied. A lot of 

my friends drift away, I blame swimming 

pools.

Well, reading this passed the time nicely didn't it? Yes I realise that the time would have passed anyway if you hadn't been reading it but when you think about it man invented clocks so time is artificial and if we stopped them all we could live forever..I've just invented a world full of old people and a shortage of parking spaces. Why isn't there a mechanism to deter dreamers like me?

A knock at the door was never good news in the valley, either for the person inside the house or very often for the person who knocked. You might get Cuthbert answering just as he was preparing a corpse and he had accidentally embalmed his lips so that his expression had an otherworldly quality to it or it may be Percy who had a nasty habit of stirring his tea with a Biro and then sucking the pen whilst deep in thought. This resulted in blue lips which contrasted horribly with the red hair showing from under his cap.

Since joining Thorstruck Press I need to check the new book links because the covers and ISBN's have all changed. If anyone can spare £1.80 to download one of my books onto a kindle or computer it would be a great help.
Laughter guaranteed or giggles refunded (try getting those into a jiffy-bag).

 http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00KW47UL6   Shakespeare's Cuthbert.

 http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00KVLFGV6    How Mean is my Valley.

 http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00KVOT7KO   Tee for Two in the Valley
THANK YOU.

Glyn Sexton posted this on twitter as an entry to No1 pun.

I bow to the master.



Had lunch with the Pythons and was surprised when they 

insisted I ate all my greens. I didn't expect some kind of 

spinach imposition. ‪#‎1PUN‬

When people ask me how I manage to keep a woman like the redhead I always reply "I don't know but when I find out I'll stop doing it."  One of these days she will hear me. But seriously, you need to instill the Disney effect in your woman, make sure that she is immaculately turned out and has bluebirds twittering around her head at all times. Even better, if you have access to chloroform ask her to role play as sleeping beauty.

The Lost Blogs

I was worried about not being seen on the internet so I just checked under the desk..all my tweets and blogs were lying there, they have have been falling on the floor. It reminded me of the old days when we had to clear the bodies from the back of the TV to make it work again. http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00KW47UL6 

The second comedy in the Cuthbert series features a lady with long red hair who terrorises the district on a mobility scooter, this is Aunt Liza and before you become all politically correct on me she is based on my wife who has in turn been described as 'Basil Brush on speed.' I have been asked whether I was nervous about making fun of a redhead in this way. All I can say is "Absolutely not, but I type a damned sight faster if I think she's around (gulp).
 http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00KVLFGV6

When word leaked out about a set of unknown works by William Shakespeare being hidden in the valley the world suddenly paid attention. Several people came to search and they almost paid with their sanity but as they settled in amongst the locals the edges became blurred and sanity wasn't all that easy to define. Cuthbert himself seemed to be a barrier against all reason and then we are introduced to Percy!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00KW47UL6

CUTHBERT SERIES VIDEO TRAILERS

http://animoto.com/play/nd4EvnX6XLMXL4A9wcvnKA#

Above is the link to our video trailer which is advertising the first three books in the Cuthbert series, all with their own themes.  Watch this space please for further advertising videos and news of the release of the fourth book in the series: CUTHBERT DEATH VALLEY

I may be doing a public reading soon, the redhead is insisting that I read out our wedding vows

 and explain to the public what really happened.   :(

This is my Amazon review for Paul Rudd's Sharc.  5-star.


This book has everything required for a rivetting read. The surreal concept of a gigantic floating city interlaced with the dread and menace of 'Jaws'. This author is at his best when describing the turbulence of a shark attack and the chaos surrounding the human responses. A very visual read and it would easily convert to the screen. Thoroughly recommended.

This is my Amazon review for Jabin by Bev Allen.   5-stars.


I have always been an avid reader but 'Young adult' was something I read with my children. I find my perceptions challenged with this book because Bev Allen proves that there is a fine line between young adult and thoroughly engrossed adult. The futuristic vision here is so authentic, religion has moved into space to recreate the Boer treks and the early American settlers in their ambitions for religious freedoms whether right or wrong and of course politics are created to give the work-shy something to do. Amongst all this incredibly authentic scenario is Jabin, brilliantly summed up in other people's opinion as " Being better off somewhere else" and shunted off to another distant relative even though he can never understand what he did wrong. This is authentic to a fault. A great character is introduced when we reach an underground installation where Hoodle is charged with firing up the boilers which, in his isolation he has given characteristics of their own. I cannot recommend this book highly enough, it may as well have a velcro cover..you cannot put it down.

This is my Amazon review for Offshore by Lucy Pepperdine.  5-stars

I'll be in trouble for this but my first thought was 'can an author named Lucy really write about maintenance crews on an oil rig? Well, after yet another slice of humble pie from the cafetaria of life it has to be said 'yes she can.' This is a gripping novel and I defy anyone to put it down as the pace picks up. The authenticity of the details shows that an incredibly forensic approach to detail was used and this has paid off handsomely. The clever tie-in to Jack the Ripper is a nice touch and the writing is so visual that a film should be the automatic next step. Highly recommended.

The commander of the attacking forces gaped at his men as they stood outside the walls of Troy. Throwing down his helmet in disgust he yelled "I don't believe it, all you had to do was leave a copy of Shakespeare's Cuthbert on each watchtower and we would have sneaked in whilst they laughed themselves silly." He picked up a copy recently thrown back over the wall, "This isn't even a translation, it's all Greek to them!" Putting his helmet back on with a resigned sigh he said "Alright, I give in. Start building that stupid great horse."

Cuthbert and the other characters from the valley are an amalgamation of people I have met or observed throughout life. Cuthbert is the self concious, never cause a ripple type of guy whereas Ronald is the 'Been everywhere, killed everyone but can't prove it because it's a secret' kind of guy. Percy? well Percy is the annoying little twerp who always has the last word and if he hasn't achieved it you can bet that one of his ancestors has. This is the valley where people forget to leave and eccentricities become normal and normal is viewed with real suspicion.

http://beauty-in-ruins.blogspot.co.uk/2014/07/interview-with-patrick-barrett-author.html?showComment=1405762821459#c1560008263984439058

CUTHBERT SERIES

CUTHBERT SERIES



Hi everyone,



Here is the Cuthbert series video trailer, hope you enjoy watching it.

The Twitter Prayer

"Man has but a short time to live and only 140 characters to apologise with."

Working Comedy Into a Book

Writing comedy is not always easy, just because I find something funny doesn't mean that everyone else will. Then it has to fit into the book matching the plot and being relevant to the characters. Cuthbert is a man so irrelevant to life that his reflection doesn't always show up in time for a shave. Percy has invented a role for himself as a 'Gardener, man and boy' and if ever asked an embarrassing question about his whereabouts answers "Gardening." Ronald, one of the many visitors to the valley who simply forgot to leave was a mercenary who never seemed to run out of paper targets but was always sending for new assistants. His brother Henry had been a war correspondent responsible for many scoops, mostly because his brother had either seen the incident, been part of the incident or actually caused the incident. But of course you still haven't met the valley mafia or the other residents of the valley yet have you?

Being married to a redhead is quite an experience too. My wife inspired the character of 'Aunt Liza' and her cartoon character is on the cover of 'Cuthbert-How Mean is my Valley.' Anyone reading the book will soon begin looking over their shoulder for redheads. They creep up VERY quietly.