Chess.

Life certainly changed whilst I was away. 

Take games as an example,they now have

lady Bishop chess sets and the Castles must 

be fitted with disabled toilets. The pawns have 

formed a union and the knights daren't jump without 

permission from air traffic control. On top of all that, the 

Queen isn't speaking to the King because he gave away his 

kingdom for a horse. Things will never be the same on 

Walton's mountain.

http://mybook.to/cuthbertnurse

Lavatory Graffiti.

Written on a lavatory wall,"My mother made me a monster."
Underneath in different handwriting,"If I send her the wool can she make me one please?"

Privacy.

Isn't it embarrassing when you can't tick the privacy box because you don't have any secrets?

Portent.

Is a portent a premonition that the camping gear you bought will leak?

Wild Wolf Publishing.

The Cuthbert series has a new publisher, we are now with Wild Wolf Publishing and there are seven books with the eighth being edited right now.  http://www.amazon.co.uk/Shakespeares-Cuthbert-Patrick-Barrett-ebook/dp/B00UK6W4H6/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1426256432&sr=1-1&keywords=shakespeares+cuthbert

Superheroes.

Superheroes are so much different now. We had the Lone Ranger and the redhead is the Flower-Arranger. Who knew I would be allergic to stems inserted directly into the sinuses?

Doorstep shock.

A friend returned a set of bolt-croppers he had borrowed. I nearly had a fit when I opened the door, I thought the redhead had sent for the Vet.

Audio Book release.

Shakespeare's Cuthbert, the first in my comedy series is now out on audio book. Plug yourself in and laugh away.
http://www.audible.co.uk/pd/Fiction/Shakespeares-Cuthbert-Audiobook/B00T6SVMUO/ref=a_search_c4_1_1_srImg?qid=1423949513&sr=1-1

Craters

Are craters on the moon a sign of a-steroid abuse?

Tazers.

Apparently the police won't be allowed to carry Tazers in some areas. Will this result in a charge of 'Assault Without Battery'?

The Sign-Makers.

BEWARE THE SIGN MAKERS.



They send us to fencing departments were there are no 

swords.


They offer plant hire and surround us with tractors.

They confuse the cheese-makers with signs saying 'Whey 

In' and 'Whey Out.'

And even more pushy Editors.

"Great Scott man, is that book on the Arctic ready yet?"


"This chap Darwin, if it's only a theory can't he sort it out before we publish?"


"Well that's great your Royal Highness, yes we can call it The Bible and name it after you but shouldn't you be running the country? Anyway, the cheques in the post Jim."

More pushy Editors.

I don't care if you live in a Bleak House, where the Dickens is the manuscript?"


"Are you kidding Mantel, the Wolf Hallf-ate your manuscript AGAIN?"


"You left the manuscript at Wildfell Hall in an Austen Allegro?"

Pushy Editors over the ages.

"Fleming hell Ian, you're late again. Just write the book, don't Bond with the character."


"I want that fable on my desk Aesop!"


"Oh great Gatsby, they'll think that's the name of the author."


"Yeah, yeah Melville, you obviously had a whale of a time writing it but where's the book?"

Dishwasher service.

Well, this was embarrassing, a chap came today to service the dishwasher. He weighed me, took my temperature and checked my pulse. The hand-cream was nice though.

Putin on the Ritz.

I thought this was hilarious,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3z841UJiVk

Unicorns.

Sorry to burst the bubble of a myth but unicorns died out after one of them said, "You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours."

Least likely

At school I was voted the 'least likely to succeed' and yet I love trail mix.

http://mybook.to/CuthbertSledgehammerToCrackANut

Selfie-stick.

I bought a selfie-stick but didn't read the instructions. Anyone know a good ointment?


http://mybook.to/CuthbertSledgehammerToCrackANut

It occurs to me that humans are stupid, if we built our floors higher up we wouldn't have to bend so far to pick something up.

The redhead is getting sarcastic, when I pointed out that as her husband, carer and advisor in all the things she doesn't already know she must think that I'm a saint.
Turning those green eyes in my direction she purred, "You're certainly a relic mate."

Hah! just had a message from someone who missed his 

train stop because he was reading 'Sledgehammer to Crack 

a Nut'. Late for work but laughing all the way.

Are you a fan of fantasy war games or comedy? See what 

happens when they collide.


http://mybook.to/CuthbertSledgehammerToCrackANut

Self-sufficiency

The redhead is ill and so I am looking after myself. It was amazing, she managed to stand behind me for long enough to steal the recipe for my corned-beef sandwich.
Later, I tried to make a meat pie in the microwave but the pastry was disappointingly hard. Now I have to help the lad next door look for his tortoise (I've got a bad feeling about this).

http://mybook.to/CuthbertsFlyingCircus

Parcels

I need to make some parcels today and I fancy listening to music. Should I use rapping paper?

http://mybook.to/CuthbertDeathValley

Molly Malone.

In Dublin's fair city
Where the girls are so pretty
There sat the redhead reading Cuthbert alone.
She had more on her barrow
Blocking streets broad and narrow
Crying,                                                                     "Keep buying Cuthbert or Patrick will moan."

http://mybook.to/CuthbertDeathValley

Death's Valley.

Cuthbert is climbing - (Death's Valley) new book is number 25 on Amazon - fiction satire - yay!

Offered a lift.

It's been so long since anyone gave me a lift 

that I set off walking in front of the car holding 

a red flag. 

http://mybook.to/CuthbertDeathValley

My interview on Tee Gee's blog.

The Shed Man and The Redhead

Hello my little chickadees

Patrick the Shed Man and Paula the Redhead invited me down to their gaff to do a bit of an interview with them.
I was a bit trepidatious about meeting the redhead as I had heard so much about her from Patrick. However this intrepid author/interviewer was not going to let red hair get in the way. I have lots of experience with the guy I work with. So with the local 'fuzz' on speed dial on my phone just in case, I began my journey to meet them.

Welcomed with open arms and a big smile from Paula put me on my guard for a start, but a nice cup of tea was waiting for me and I do love my cuppas. I enquired after Patrick but was told he was out in the garden somewhere. A cold chill went  down my back when I saw the expression on Paula's face. She casually twirled her hair in a butter wouldn't melt gesture but the eyes told me something quite different. Anyway having finished my tea I made my way down the garden to find Patrick whilst Paula busied herself inside.

Hidden from sight at the back of the garden was the infamous shed and of course curiosity got the better of me so I made my way over. OMG! there was Patrick pressed up against the window begging for release. He had his books wedged up against the window. The relief when he saw me was palpable and he began grinning manically.

I checked all around for the redhead but she was nowhere to be seen thank goodness, so I unlocked the shed ensuring that I took the key with me (who knows) Patrick was overjoyed to see me. Apparently he had cracked one of his terrible jokes and been locked in the shed until he saw the error of his ways.

"Tee thank goodness. Someone to talk to at last. I'm so glad we set up this interview today I could have been here indefinitely."

Settling down on an old chair (actually he had made it quite cosy in there if truth be told) I got him to tell me about his background and what started him writing.

Apparently he is a retired miner and antiques dealer - I love antiques but refrained from making the obvious remarks.  :-) He's never had any formal training in writing, however one morning he woke up and started to write 'Shakespeare's Cuthbert. It was entered on the Harper Collins Autonomy site and eventually got a gold star. Due to a lot of encouragement from there, the Cuthbert series emerged.

Like Patrick I still have friends from Authonomy years later.

Comedy is his genre and I can vouch for that having read and heard some of his jokes. Having seen the mess the serious people have made with their lives he is of the opinion that we all need an escape route and he will continuously taunt us with comedy until we give in and smile or at least giggle.

Then I asked Patrick where his characters came from (I've read some of the series and trust me they are hilarious). He explained they were basically an amalgam of all the people he had met and worked with over the years; also that a title should always suggest the content of the book, so that a potential reader can see the cover, read the title and pretty much know what to expect. The covers have been specifically designed to show that there are golden laughs within. You just need to open the book to enjoy them.

After we discussed the beautiful garden and then the redhead for a while, I asked Patrick if he had any favourite parts in the Cuthbert series. Yes he had! It was the references to ancestors.

Apparently.... Cuthbert has a best friend named Percy who is a red haired self- proclaimed gardener, anyone who isn’t a gardener is declared ‘Non compost mentis’ by him. According to Percy, his ancestors have influenced many of the major events in history. For instance, he has revealed that Noah was a racist bigot who would only take two of his family because they had red hair. :-)

Whilst the family squabbled over who should go, the Ark sailed. Promptly grabbing a passing albatross, the family reached the high ground in Norway and began the Viking race. This is why the albatross is considered unlucky by the rest of civilisation. The Vikings were thoroughly misunderstood. Their boats were only made that shape so that they could transport cucumbers from Norway and the hoards of cash and treasure were the result of selling vegetables to the monks in the North of England.

Patrick considers his comedy to be thoroughly old fashioned in that anyone can read it without being offended. His books have been compared to Tom Sharpe and Terry Pratchett which is great and even Wodehouse has been mentioned. Oddly enough he has never read Wodehouse but remembers a very early Jeeves and Wooster on black and white TV. 

I love Jeeves and  Bertie Wooster and Aunt Agatha and all. Talking of TV evidently they haven't had a TV set for over fifteen years which is a huge advantage because they use the time for writing and there is no danger of inadvertently copying something from a programme only half heard. (True enough.)

I think the lack of food and drink was getting to Patrick because he started to go into his own little world... 

I am a great reader and have always been, I found Hilary Mantel’s Wolf Hall fascinating, it was like entering Thomas Cromwell’s home and sitting by the hearth observing him and his family. Wilbur Smith was always a great storyteller. I will read fact or fiction depending on my mood at the time. 

I started to doze in the comfortable chair as he reminisced about his reading preferences, then I was suddenly bolt upright wide awake. Paula had pushed open the door of the shed and had been outside listening. Patrick changed track.....

The greatest influence on my life is my beautiful wife Paula, (Aka the redhead) even though she has been in a wheelchair for most of our married life she has edited my books, won gardening competitions, cooked, cleaned, raised funds for The British Heart Foundation and provided the stable base that I need. She is fiercely independent (Latin for a terrible patient) and drives her mobility scooter like Basil Brush on speed. She has just been warned by town centre security to slow down but the real police think she’s great.

You know what? I could suddenly see the real love between these two as they gazed at one another lovingly. I suddenly felt like the proverbial gooseberry. I began to get the feeling that the locking in the shed was purely propaganda for my benefit. 

I asked Patrick about links to the books whilst still keeping one eye on the redhead just in case there was any sudden movement but all was good.

"The three links below are for e-books and three more books have been submitted." said Patrick and Paula almost in unison.

Shakespeare’s Cuthbert                       http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1
Cuthbert How Mean is my Valley       http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2
Cuthbert Tee for Two in the Valley     http://mybook.to/Cuthbert3

I finished up the interview with Patrick, as Paula backed up her motorised scooter. With Patrick beside her and me trailing behind we walked up towards the house for a well earned cuppa.
Maybe Paula wasn't the tyrant Patrick makes out she is after all :-)

Laters Potaters

Visitor.

A visitor to my door asked "Have you seen 

the light?" Being a bit grumpy I replied "For 

goodness sake man If you've lost something 

put posters on lamp-posts like everyone 

else."

http://mybook.to/CuthbertDeathValley

Bicycles.

A bicycle is the acoustic version of a motorbike.

http://mybook.to/CuthbertDeathValley

Christianity

Christianity only spread slowly due to 

idleness, if people had re-tweeted the 

process would have gone viral. 

Life's crossroad.

When you come to a crossroad in life, don't take out the map or consult the Sat-Nav simply turn to the nearest redhead and ask where to go. The answer is usually "I've told you twice you silly old fool." But don't forget, what doesn't kill us makes us bury emergency funds in the garden for future archaeologists to find.

http://mybook.to/CuthbertDeathValley

Death Valley.

Death Valley is now on Amazon and it is the fourth in the Cuthbert series. An inspection of Cuthbert's graveyard causes him to check his burial records only to find that he had BURIED them instead of one of the bodies. New characters appear and some disappear, between the living and the dead nobody is sure where anybody is but it doesn't stop them looking in all the wrong places. An unexpected offer of help comes from a rival undertaker who seems to be rather cosy with the valley mafia which is like trying to trick the Devil out of his inheritance. Once again the inhabitants of the valley ride forth only to come in fifth.

http://mybook.to/CuthbertDeathValley

Qualifications.

After visiting a highly qualified friend I decided to put MY degrees on the wall. The thermometer looks great.

http://mybook.to/CuthbertDeathValley

Wedding Certificate.

Started shredding my wedding certificate to use as confetti for my next attempt at marriage.

History of Daggers.

I read a book on the history of daggers yesterday but I remain sceptical. It's just a load of old knives tales.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Architecture.

Did you realise that Greek cathedrals are supported by columns and patriarchs?

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

My time.

My time is so valuable that I even charge myself for looking in a mirror.

The Cuthbert Series.

The whole idea of the Cuthbert series is to make you laugh, we all meet some strange characters in our lives and the one's I have met are the basis for these books.
Cuthbert is the grey man, nobody notices him and if he stood near to the bodies he would be the first one to be buried.
Percy is a master of invention, usually of his own skills and qualifications and according to him his ancestors have saved all our ancestors from some pretty bad scrapes.
Then there are the strangers who move into the valley only to be absorbed into this strangely calm place where the ridiculous becomes the completely normal.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1      http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2    http://mybook.to/Cuthbert3

Spoilt wife.

I really spoil my wife, I even shave her husband every day.

And more snakes.

Actually if I adder snake I would wear a feather boa to protect my neck and hope that no-one grasses me up before Cameron calls a meeting of Cobra. I daren't tell the redhead because it would rattler.

Snakes Alive!

So, I was asked what I would do if a snake 

was loose in MY house. "Never happen" I 

replied, " It would see the 'Beware Redhead' 

sign on the gate and know it was outgunned.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Boa.

My Boa-Constrictor is missing but the new scarf the redhead bought me is lovely.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Demands.

That's it folks, I have put my foot down and demanded that the redhead allows me an opinion. After long negotiations I have been allowed to express my views on the 32nd of every month. VICTORY!!...errr, hang on a minute..

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Thinking.

I have to think outside the box because it's always full of polystyrene packaging chips.

Facebook.

Keeping up with technology is hard. When I joined my kids pages and they said "WTF Dad?" I thought it meant 'Welcome To Facebook.'

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1

Richard III.

The battlefield injuries of Richard III have been analysed and it has been decide that he is in fact dead. If only he had shared his copy of Shakespeare's Cuthbert he may have survived the battle.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1

Ring-tone.

I tried to set a ring-tone on my new smart phone but when it saw the size of my contacts list all I get is a sniggering sound.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Rocky.

Why is it that every time the redhead enters the room I hear the theme from Rocky?

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

The Navy.

Why does the Navy allow sub-tweets, aren't they a security risk?

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1