My time.

My time is so valuable that I even charge myself for looking in a mirror.

The Cuthbert Series.

The whole idea of the Cuthbert series is to make you laugh, we all meet some strange characters in our lives and the one's I have met are the basis for these books.
Cuthbert is the grey man, nobody notices him and if he stood near to the bodies he would be the first one to be buried.
Percy is a master of invention, usually of his own skills and qualifications and according to him his ancestors have saved all our ancestors from some pretty bad scrapes.
Then there are the strangers who move into the valley only to be absorbed into this strangely calm place where the ridiculous becomes the completely normal.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1      http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2    http://mybook.to/Cuthbert3

Spoilt wife.

I really spoil my wife, I even shave her husband every day.

And more snakes.

Actually if I adder snake I would wear a feather boa to protect my neck and hope that no-one grasses me up before Cameron calls a meeting of Cobra. I daren't tell the redhead because it would rattler.

Snakes Alive!

So, I was asked what I would do if a snake 

was loose in MY house. "Never happen" I 

replied, " It would see the 'Beware Redhead' 

sign on the gate and know it was outgunned.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Boa.

My Boa-Constrictor is missing but the new scarf the redhead bought me is lovely.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Demands.

That's it folks, I have put my foot down and demanded that the redhead allows me an opinion. After long negotiations I have been allowed to express my views on the 32nd of every month. VICTORY!!...errr, hang on a minute..

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Thinking.

I have to think outside the box because it's always full of polystyrene packaging chips.

Facebook.

Keeping up with technology is hard. When I joined my kids pages and they said "WTF Dad?" I thought it meant 'Welcome To Facebook.'

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1

Richard III.

The battlefield injuries of Richard III have been analysed and it has been decide that he is in fact dead. If only he had shared his copy of Shakespeare's Cuthbert he may have survived the battle.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1

Ring-tone.

I tried to set a ring-tone on my new smart phone but when it saw the size of my contacts list all I get is a sniggering sound.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Rocky.

Why is it that every time the redhead enters the room I hear the theme from Rocky?

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

The Navy.

Why does the Navy allow sub-tweets, aren't they a security risk?

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1

Moths

Had a giant winged creature in the house today, I think it was a Red Baron moth. Imagine the mess if it had been a Sopwith Camel.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Lovers.

Should a lover be the person we would date if we could clone ourselves?

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Scary Birds.

I'm terrified of those giant sticky birds, you know the ones..velcrows.

Small World

It's a small world isn't it? I no sooner got my ducks in a row and I had an e-mail from Elmer Fudd.

My Interview for Elaina's Blogspot.

This is the link for my interview on Elaina Davison's Blogspot. Anyone who wants to read about me or the origins of Cuthbert will find it all here.

http://elainajdavidson.blogspot.com/2014/09/writers-wednesday-having-laugh-with.html

FBI wanted list.

I don't understand the FBI's ten most wanted list. Why don't they just keep them when they come in for the photo?

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Car Theft.

Apparently car theft is at a twenty year low. It seems to be harder to steal one when there's a family living in it.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Keeping a redhead.

A guy asked me how I managed to keep a redhead much younger than me so I showed him the tablets I put in her Horlicks. It's not rocket science chaps!

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Redheaded Vampire.

I saw a fleeting shadow


I heard a victim shout



I thought it was a vampire because the lights were out.



I felt a breath upon my neck



My hackles began to rise




Damn that sneaky redhead, she took me by surprise.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Scotland

Have I just seen a removals van outside Balmoral?

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Sigmund Freud.

I've been trying to follow Sigmund Freud on twitter but he keeps turning me down. This is either reverse psychology or he prefers Junger followers.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Red Arrows

Booked the Red Arrows for the redhead's birthday but they didn't show up, so I threw a handfull of darts across the garden and made a whooshing noise. Now I'm being prosecuted for cruelty towards next door's dog.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1

The redhead's birthday.

The redhead asked me if I had anything in mind for today as 

it is her birthday. I mentioned a spa day with a sauna, visit to 

a nail bar, trip to the hairdressers and a nice meal.She hasn't 

seen the results yet, she's still returning my library books. 

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

The Redhead's Birthday.

Well, it's the redhead's birthday again tomorrow and apparently she expects a present again even though she had one last year. It's not easy, boxes of broken biscuits are getting hard to find these days and charity shop staff stare at me when I buy a dress,what's a guy to do eh?

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Cattle-prod.

Been trying to hide the redhead's cattle-prod. I'm sure she has a tracking device in the handle.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Teenagers.

Ever wondered how teenagers always know when money is being counted? Look closely at the ear shape, from a certain angle it looks like a £ sign.

Catholic hymn

One of my favourite Catholic hymns is 

"Parsley, sage, rosary and thyme."

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1

The Russian problem.

Is the Russian problem real or is Vladimir putin on an act? 

He is definitely one of those people wanting to put their 

marx on history but is he Stalin-g for time before he Mos-

cow-tows to NATO? Whatever the result Vlad, five Tsars for 

trying.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1

Wind Turbine.

I had to yell at the local kids for climbing the wind turbine and hanging my shirts from the blades. "But mister" they said "the redhead told us it was a rotary drier."

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1

Wind-farm.

If cows produce methane, is that what a wind-

farm is?

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

5-star Review for Shakespeare's Cuthbert.

As a previous reviewer has observed, Patrick Barrett writes like Tom Sharpe “without the bad 
language”. Personally, I’d be happy to write like Tom Sharpe using any kind of language, and I 
fully endorse that reviewer’s opinion. This is a refreshingly clean farce, combining all those 
essential ingredients: a plot told at breakneck speed, a myriad of highly improbable situations, a 
motley cast of engaging characters, and a huge sigh of relief when the curtain comes down.



Thoroughly recommended. This is the most pleasurable read I’ve had in ages. And just look at all 

those 4- and 5-star reviews!

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1

Free Coffee.

I was considering giving free coffee with each of my books but it stains the pages.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1

Beechams Powders

Use Beechams Powders as a pretend illicit substance and then sell them to the cops to cure the headache you've caused.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1

Regional accents.

Do you realise that I thoughtfully make all my posts in the regional accent of my readers? Just read this one out aloud and you'll hear it.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Watching the Redhead.

I watched the redhead doing something really strange today but then I thought of some of the other things I had watched her do and it wasn't that strange after all.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Mercedes Benz

Oh Lord won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz
My friends all have bikes so I must start a trend
Worked hard all my lifetime
With my redhead as my friend
Oh Lord won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1

Maxed-out.

I had a great idea, I named my dog 'Maxed-out' and shambled through the city unshaven shouting "Maxed-out" so that people would take pity and give me money. They'll arrest you for anything these days won't they?

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1

Tesco delivery

I think Tesco have gone all religious on us. The delivery today showed they had run out of plums and substituted the grapes of wrath. I'd better not let the redhead bite into the Adam's apples.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Plan ahead.

Plan ahead they said so I did. I wrote a fantastic epitaph for myself but I still don't have a gravestone because the redhead has sent it to Thorstruck Press for its final edit. Reassuringly, the shovel is still by the back door.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Suggestions.

I had a great idea today and so I suggested it 

to the redhead, but after she checked her 

diary, it turned out that my opinions aren't due 

until next week.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Old habits.

Old habits die hard, when I go out with the redhead I still wear my nuclear-resistant balaclava and my asbestos gloves.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Day off.

Good morning world
It's a brand new day
The redhead says I can rest today.
I dash outside
With an adrenaline rush
To find a pile of cans and a big paint brush.

Aunt Liza

Aunt Liza is a beautiful redhead who uses a mobility scooter the way anyone else would use a panzer mk 1V. She has come to the valley to develop a cinema complex (Or as Cuthbert would have it 'electric people') and leaves with a 'valley complex'. The chaos inbetween her arriving and leaving is the basis for Cuthbert How Mean is my Valley.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

Percy

Percy is a gardener. Everyone knows he is because he tells them he is at every opportunity. His college course had been quite fragmented because he spent it listening outside the classroom window and the lecturer had an unfortunate habit of pacing up and down so Percy only heard the bits when he passed an open window. On cold days when the windows were closed Percy didn't get any work done at all but even so, he is renowned for his dahlia vines and thistle beds.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1

Thought you knew golf eh?

Anyone who has read any of the Cuthbert comedy series will realise that the Valley has a strange effect upon its inhabitants. When one of the males in a careless moment challenges the females to a golf match the lines are drawn and so are the daggers.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert3

Redheads.

I married a redhead once.
That's right, you only do it once!

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert2

The Vikings

The vikings were a misunderstood race. Their ships were only that shape so they could transport cucumbers from Norway. The hoards of gold found were the result of selling vegetables to the monks of Northern England.

http://mybook.to/Cuthbert1